As of today, my surgery has been changed to 11am (previously was 1:30pm) on Wed. I shall now arrive at the hospital at 9am. The nurse left a message on my voicemail. How does she know that I didn't have plans? I could have had plans. NOT. I"ll tell you though as hard as it was to schedule a surgery date with Dr. Pam Dawson (surgeon), I'll be there when they tell me to.
We had 12 inches of snow last night in Packwood! To date, we have a total snowfall of about 4ft -5ft. My local friends in Packwood say that they have never seen this much snow in our little town. Now, for my sister in Anchorage Alaska, that would be nothing, but if you were to ask my brother, Bill or Jr in sunny southern CA., it would be ALOT! It's all relative, right?
In regards to my emotional state, for the moment I am blind. I can't see how God will use this situation to His ultimate good. Nor do I see Him healing me. Last night on my drive to Packwood, this pain took my mind to some dark places. I have chosen to speak with only a few about this information and I prefer not to discuss it with all. You may ask, "then why did you mention it." My reply is simple; one day there may be another woman that is diagnosed with breast cancer and she may feel she is at the same jumping off place that I am. And, I want her to know that she is not the only one that has ever had those thoughts. Another reason, my collegues are the future leaders in Naturopathic Medicine and if this gives them a little more insight and understanding about their patient, then it's worth it.
On part of my drive, I felt smothered with hoplessness and despair, tears were streaming down my face, and I cried out to God to help me. I couldn't calm myself. I thought if I keep this up I'm going to accidently drive myself off the road. The visibilty of the road was compromised because it was snowing hard, the wind was blowing and the roads were slushy and icy. In my desperation, I made a call. I called my friend Kristin in Packwood. I was about 1 hour from Packwood and I asked if she would come over to the cabin and pray with me. Once I hung up with her, and she said she'd come over, I felt some relief. I thought once I get myself to the cabin then I'd be okay. And, I was. I am blessed to have people that love, support and encourage me that are near and a far. The prayer of my friends/family have carried me and allowed me to take another step.
I woke up this morning with puffy eyes. I told myself that I am done crying; I'm tired of crying. But as I sit and recall last nights story, I weep. I better stay well hydrated.
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Hi Honey, I added a picture of Sean and me. It was taken on Mother's day while we were on a Glacier Cruise in Alaska. In typical fashion I don't have many pictures of myself seeing as I am the one usually taking them!. I hope you are not in to much pain. I haven't heard from anyone yet about how you are doing. I tried to call your cell phone but only got your message. I love you and am thinking of you constantly.D#3
ReplyDeleteHi my sober sister,
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. I just found your blog and love that you are sharing yourself with all of us.
I keep you in my prayers and will continue to do so. You are so courageous. You know why I know that? Because when I saw you get up and dance in front of everyone at Legacy Weekend with such heartfelt abandon, with such self love and confidence, I knew you were different than I. I new you had something I wanted. I knew you had the courage to live your life honoring the way God uniquely made you.
You are amazing.
I love you,
Linda Jeffers
Hi Deb, its me Taye. I wrote to you not long ago...I too had breast cancer. DCIS, Stage 3B, bilateral mastectomies,reconstruction, chemo, radiation, hysterectomy, more treatment, more prayers, more recovery. I am 4 years out and in remission. I recognize the stage you are at. I too cried and cried. I cried out to God, and I did not feel him heal me. I just had faith he would. It is a rough road you will travel, but I can sense the warrior in you and I know you will find the message. My prayers are with and I will be with you in spirit during your surgery.
ReplyDeleteHi Debbie, My name is Joanna, I am one of Linda J.'s sponsees. Found your blog through Linda's. I notice your surgery was on the 7th and here it is the 9th with no news....I hope you are okay. My thought's and prayers are with you...I love your spirit. Be well, Love Joanna
ReplyDeleteHi Deb, Thank you for being so open and honest. Even in the most difficult time of your life you are selfless, and that does not suprise me a bit! During the time I have known you, you have always stressed the importance of "constant thought of others". Actually you more than stressed it, you did it, and are still doing it! I have said it before and I'll say it again...You are an amazing woman!
ReplyDeleteI hope you are doing well since the surgery. Shirley said that you had called her the next day. I will keep my eye out for a list of things you might need done like cooking, cleaning, shopping, puppy sitting, etc.
I will talk to you soon.
I Love You,
Love,
Jean Hardcastle