Dear Family & Friends,
I had my last chemo treatment 2 days ago, Yahoo!
I went to the cabin for Memorial Day weekend and had a glorious 5 days before my last treatment. Some friends (John & Jean w/kids Tyler and Kyle), Vicki & Anthony (kids Sophia n Isaih) spent the night and others (Meoka & Chris, Mike & Annette and Mikes brother, Greg) came up for the Saturday night bbq. We bbq'd at the cabana along the river. It was a wonderful relaxing time! After the bbq we sat around the campfire at the cabin and ate smores. Everyone was gone by Monday, except Mark and I. We took morning and evening walks to the river hoping to see the elk and eagles. I think the wildlife fleed town due to the large influx of humans that attended the flea market. The small town of Packwood was packed.
I have been sleeping pretty well throughout the night since Friday,May 21st. Prior to that, I had been experiencing insomnia since the beginning of chemo treatment - I would wake up 3-4 times between the hours of 12-3am, 7 days a week. I finally told my ND and MD that my back was up against the wall and I needed sleep. I thought the lack of sleep could have contributed to my fatigue, lack of concentration, memory loss, depression, etc. Of course, chemo and steroids causes these effects, but I finally realized that sleep is so crucial to my healing. I called my ND first because I wanted to try naturopathic remedies first; Dr. Standish recommended that I take GABA (up to 2000mg) for two nights along with the melatonin which I have been taking since chemo began; if by the 2nd night, sleep still eluded me, then she strongly suggested that I take the Ambian that my oncologist prescribed. I tried the GABA for 3 nights which didn't solve the insomnia problem. I've never taken sleeping pills before, but I desperately needed to sleep, so I begin taking and sleep followed. In the next 2 wks, I will see if sleep helps with the side effects I have had for the last 4 months. I found that at the cabin I was had more energy (took some naps and rested if needed), and my spirits were good.
The next step for me is 6 weeks of radiation (5 days/week) which will begin in approx. 3 wks.
Again, the journey that I have made thus far could not have been possible, it is the love and support of my family and friends that has made this possible. The integration clinic at Bastyr has been HUGE for my healing process as well. I was listening to my favorite Chrisitan station (105.3) and a song came on that had encourgage words, "greater things are to come and greater things are to be done in the city." I am finally beginning to believe that God will use my situation to help others. I have been told this by my Dr's and friends, but I haven't felt it deep within my being until now. My days are filled with more hope than fear (which I experienced in the earlier days of chemo). My faith has been renewed - thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the prayers.
Don't get me wrong fear is still present, because I still have 25% of reoccurance, but my friend Tina (3 out of 4 year ND student) reminds me that that percentage does not include naturopathic medicine and Dr. Standish will use all naturopathic modalities to make sure that I don't get cancer again. Dr. Standish is an expert in this field and I trust her.
Mark took a picture of me at the river - bald head and all.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Today - Chemo treatment # 5
Dear family and extended family,
My good days seem to be getting shorter and my chemo crummy days seem to be lasting longer longer. OUt of a three week period of time, I have 5 feel good days and 16 not so good. I expressed my concern to my oncologist and ND and they confirmed that chemo treatment is cummulative.
Chemo crummies physically leave me short of breath - so my daily walking has been reduced greatly, decreased energy (giving me 1-3 hours/day to be somewhat productive), lack of sleep do to hot flashes, during the day I emit heat from my head and the palm of my hands, its a challenge to take the pets out to go potty, my stomach and esophogus hurt, my nail beds are turning brown, the skin around my nails are dry and peeling, and I ache all over; on a mental note, I am beginning to exhibit short term memory loss and a foggy brain. My Dr's call this chemo brain which can last 6-9 months or longer. With that being said, my cognitive skills just arn't as sharp as I'd like them to be, so my writing skills may also suffer considerably. So, I'll do my best in speaking and writing and hope that I make sense. When I talk, my sentence structure and words are scrammbled, so I repeat myself with the way it's supposed to be said. My friend Mark said, " you don't need to repeat yourself. Your not being graded." I love that. Mark was my husband for 21 years and it is very nice to have his support and friendship during this time.
In addition to chemo brain, when the steroids ware off, I experierence irriatability, extreme sensitivity to sounds (brings about anxiety especially if in a public place), and depression. Last Wed, was very difficult for. I finally hit a wall and decided that I no longer wanted to continue with chemotherapy- I really was tired of being in pain, suffering and not not feeling like me. I actually thought dying from cancer looked like a better alternative. After a good cry, and sharing my thoughts with a few friends, I began to feel emotionally a little better on Thursday. Mark was one of the persons that I spoke with on Wed. and he wanted to come visit me on Thursday. He did and that distracted me and cheered me up. My girlfriend Tina, whose aunt has just recently finished her treatment with colon cancer, told me that my thoughts were pretty normal and that was a relief to hear this.
I will show up for chemo today. My friend Janelle will be driving me. If I didn't go, I think she and a few friends would carry me to treatment - what a sight that would be (LOL). Deep down inside, I do want to live, but I don't exactly know how to live at peace with the pain. I wish I was there, but I haven't figured it out yet. I am working with Dr. Brad on the emotional, spiritual and mental component of my illness. If it wasn't for that, I believe I would be more hopeless.
On a positive note, some of my friends came over and held a second healing circle for me a couple of weeks ago. It was very calming and healing for me. I had too much heat inside (from chemo) and the touch of their hands were cool and refreshing. It was as though they removed heat. My intention this time was to have courage to proceed. I recieved a card from a friend that described beautifully what courage means to me at this moment - take in one day at a time and remember that God is in the present moment:
"Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the little voice
at the end of the day that says I"ll try
again tomorrow"
-Mary Anne Radmacher
I truly believe that God is watching out for me. He is doing that through the blessing of friends/family. Thank you for following my journey and sharing your lives with me. I never really knew until I got cancer of how truly that I am loved.
Again, wishing you health from your cells to your spirit.
Love Debbie
My good days seem to be getting shorter and my chemo crummy days seem to be lasting longer longer. OUt of a three week period of time, I have 5 feel good days and 16 not so good. I expressed my concern to my oncologist and ND and they confirmed that chemo treatment is cummulative.
Chemo crummies physically leave me short of breath - so my daily walking has been reduced greatly, decreased energy (giving me 1-3 hours/day to be somewhat productive), lack of sleep do to hot flashes, during the day I emit heat from my head and the palm of my hands, its a challenge to take the pets out to go potty, my stomach and esophogus hurt, my nail beds are turning brown, the skin around my nails are dry and peeling, and I ache all over; on a mental note, I am beginning to exhibit short term memory loss and a foggy brain. My Dr's call this chemo brain which can last 6-9 months or longer. With that being said, my cognitive skills just arn't as sharp as I'd like them to be, so my writing skills may also suffer considerably. So, I'll do my best in speaking and writing and hope that I make sense. When I talk, my sentence structure and words are scrammbled, so I repeat myself with the way it's supposed to be said. My friend Mark said, " you don't need to repeat yourself. Your not being graded." I love that. Mark was my husband for 21 years and it is very nice to have his support and friendship during this time.
In addition to chemo brain, when the steroids ware off, I experierence irriatability, extreme sensitivity to sounds (brings about anxiety especially if in a public place), and depression. Last Wed, was very difficult for. I finally hit a wall and decided that I no longer wanted to continue with chemotherapy- I really was tired of being in pain, suffering and not not feeling like me. I actually thought dying from cancer looked like a better alternative. After a good cry, and sharing my thoughts with a few friends, I began to feel emotionally a little better on Thursday. Mark was one of the persons that I spoke with on Wed. and he wanted to come visit me on Thursday. He did and that distracted me and cheered me up. My girlfriend Tina, whose aunt has just recently finished her treatment with colon cancer, told me that my thoughts were pretty normal and that was a relief to hear this.
I will show up for chemo today. My friend Janelle will be driving me. If I didn't go, I think she and a few friends would carry me to treatment - what a sight that would be (LOL). Deep down inside, I do want to live, but I don't exactly know how to live at peace with the pain. I wish I was there, but I haven't figured it out yet. I am working with Dr. Brad on the emotional, spiritual and mental component of my illness. If it wasn't for that, I believe I would be more hopeless.
On a positive note, some of my friends came over and held a second healing circle for me a couple of weeks ago. It was very calming and healing for me. I had too much heat inside (from chemo) and the touch of their hands were cool and refreshing. It was as though they removed heat. My intention this time was to have courage to proceed. I recieved a card from a friend that described beautifully what courage means to me at this moment - take in one day at a time and remember that God is in the present moment:
"Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the little voice
at the end of the day that says I"ll try
again tomorrow"
-Mary Anne Radmacher
I truly believe that God is watching out for me. He is doing that through the blessing of friends/family. Thank you for following my journey and sharing your lives with me. I never really knew until I got cancer of how truly that I am loved.
Again, wishing you health from your cells to your spirit.
Love Debbie
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