2009 - HAPPY NEW YEAR!

To my family and extended family,

I wish each of you a year filled with health, love and success. And, success can be whatever we define it as.
As I reflect back on 2008, it was certainly filled with love and success (I passed all my finals!) and for the most part I enjoyed relatively good health. I struggled with lower back problems for several months in the latter part of 2007 and into the first 4 months of 2008. The back problems stemmed from past mva's (motor vehicle accidents), and a reoccurence of these injuries surfaced as a result of excessive sitting (in the classroom & studying) and lack of exercise. My acupuncturist, Naturopathic Doctor (ND) and Chiropractor, Dr. Masa, believes that when dealing with lower back (specifically sacral iliac joint) problems suggests that a person may not feel supported. Well, there certainly is some truth to that.

I uprooted to the Seatlle area to attend medical school (Bastyr University), new environment, new people, and the curriculum was daunting. Seldom did I have contact with old friends as there was simply no time. After 3 months of acupuncture, the pain level in my sacrum area began to subside.

With one treatment, a needle was placed into and over my sternum (manubrium), shortly thereafter, a tear or two began to stream down from my face. I tried to hide it by contorting my face then I heard Dr. Masa ask, "what are you feeling?" He wanted me to listen to what my body was telling me - now this may sound easy, but it wasn't. Most of my time is spent in my head - studying, studying and more studying. My classmates that read this will understand. As I tried to listen, the only thing that I felt/heard was that my heart hurt and I preceded to cry some more. I didn't know why my heart hurt.....but it did. There could be numerous reasons, it could be my mom's death in Aug. 2006, lack of contact with my daughter for several months, or perhaps my divorce from a man that I deeply loved. There was also the ground maintenance employee that grabbed my arm in Spring which caused me great mental anguish. Hard to know. Prior to this, I was not aware of this hurt and I wouldn't have known that it existed hadn't it been for a talented ND that guided me. That is one of the best features that I love about Naturopathic Medicine... we look at the whole system. Our scope of medicine looks not only at the physical symptoms, but the emotional and spiritual as well.

It was the later part of 2008 though that rocked my world. On November 24, 2008 the pathology report came back confirming that I had invasive ductoral carnioma, Stage III. Carcinoma is latin for cancer, ductoral means that it was in the lactiforus ducts, and invasive means that it spread from the ducts to surrounding tissue (lymph nodes). The mass measures 4.3 cm (shy under 2 inches) and two lymph nodes revealed malignant. The radiologist suggested that there could possibly be two more lymph nodes that are cancerous. My surgery is scheduled in 6 days, January 7, 2009. I have chosen to have a masectomy and forego pre-chemothearapy (which was for 4 months). In 6 months, I can decide whether I want to have the other breast removed and undergo reconstruction for both.

I was determined to finish the last few weeks of the quarter and take my final exams of which I did. Had it not been for the tutoring, support and encouragement of my classmates, and the understanding of my professors, and my dear friend and spiritual mentor in Concord, CA, I would have fallen short and exited stage left. Now that I don't have my studies to occupy my time and mind, my emotions have risen to the surface. They feel like a tide of emotions which ebb and flo. By nature as most of you know, I am an optimistic person, nor am I a quitter, yet in the past few weeks I have been sad, perhaps even depressed. I cry at least once maybe twice a day. I'm sluggish in the morning and don't want to get out of bed, but I must because Foxina and Guizmo (my furry friends) need to go potty in the morning. I seem to have lost (hopefully only temporarily) my drive, determination, enthusiasm, and perseverence. I have also lost sight of my goal of becoming a Doctor of Naturopathic Medicine. I am not excited about anything. I would like to turn around, walk away and say I'm done. I'm tired. I have been moving and going strong since 01' when I opened up my first business, followed by opening up the second business in 02. And now, 18 months of medical school. Blah.Blah.

I recall in summer of 05' when I had a similar feeling of giving up. It was about 1am in the morning, and my climbing buddies and I geared up for our summit to Mt. Adams. I had trained hard and long (4-5 months) for this climb. The day before we hiked for 7 hours; I had 50lbs in my pack and I felt like a mule. We pitched our tents at a location on the mountain known as the lunch counter (I don't know why they call it the lunch counter, there was no food or a counter.) We arose at 1am and began to summit. I didn't get to far when my legs muscles (gastronmeus, soleus, tibialis anterior ) and ankles began to hurt - they were screaming and tightening up. During my training, I hadn't prepared to use cramp ons, so my ankles were constantly in dorsal flexion (ankles pulled up towards shin) and my breathing was difficult due to the higher elevation. At one point, I stopped, looked up and saw that all of my teammates were ahead in the distance; I looked behind me and was discouraged by the short distance I had traveled. A thought crossed my mind... I could go always go back to Curves (fitness and wt. loss center) and tell my members that you do the best you can and if it's to hard then you just give up. I couldn't convince myself of that argument, so I pressed on. As it turns out, it was my ego that wouldn't let me quit and I had a team member that stayed with me and cheered me on the entire way until we reached the summit. With lots of prayer on that mountain side, I managed to summit Mt. Adams all 12, 286 ft of it. Amazing!

Well, I have another mountain to climb and this is the climb of my life. I'm only at the base of Breast Cancer Mountain, it is overwhelming, HUGE, frightening and with unfamiliar terrain. I believe my ascent up this mountain will begin following surgery. I'm not prepared - I don't have the equipment, training or let alone the desire to climb. For now, I shall rest, take it one step at a time and with God's help everything is possible.

Thank you for your continuous prayers.
Love Debbie
P.S. special thanks to Margie and Nancy for telling me about blogging.