Greetings to all,
It's been just a little more than 2 weeks since chemotherapy and my last blog. For some reason, I found it incredibly difficult to bring myself to write about my experience with chemotherapy. For me, it was traumatic, but necessary. I finally grasped the concept and accepted that chemotherapy will reduce my chance of reoccurance and/or advancing to Stage IV (metastasis - in bone, brain, lungs, etc.).
Day of Chemotherapy
I saw my oncologist, Dr. Rinn, prior to chemo. She understood that I'm not to keen on taking pain medicine, but she encouraged me to take it. I thought to myself, "okay, but my incision isn't inflicting to much pain," however, my port which was surgically implanted the day before (a device inserted into chest for the purpose of inserting chemo agents or blood withdrawel) was swollen and hurt terribly. I had iced it off and on in the morning to relieve the discomfort. She agreed that it was swollen and that chemo would be administered through my veins. After my conversation with my Dr., my friend, Becca and I went to the chemotherapy floor. The nurse was going to put me in one area, but I didn't like it - it didn't feel right, so she took me to a room that had a door which could be closed. I liked it. I wanted a space that was somewhat peaceful, and not worry about listening to chitter chatter from the nurses station or other chemo patients.
The nurse said that she would need to get the charge nurse to insert the IV. The charge nurse came in and I watched her insert the needle - it doesn't bother me to watch, but if it makes them nervous I wont. Well, she put the needle in, moved it around, pulled it out a little, moved it around, went back in, back out, back in, back out - dear God, now I'm nervous! She popped the vein and therefore it couldn't be used. She then tried on the front of my forearm (posterior side-anatomically); she cleaned the area just as she had done the first time, then she inserted the needle, moved it around a little, moved it a little more, pulled it out ever so slightly and moved it around, pushed it in, pulled it out, pushed in. She thought she got it and inserted saline ( I think) into the needle at which time I saw my skin rise up. When I told her this, she pulled the needle out - my vein popped again. She said that she never stabs more than twice. By this time, I was a little shaken up to say the least. She said that she could call the IV experts down to do it, but it could take awhile or I could come back in a couple of days when the port healed and administer chemo then
Are you kidding me? There was no way I wanted to come back in 2 days; it took everything to get me here in the first place. I asked her if she could access the port without hurting me too much (I"ll be the first to admit, I don't like pain), she assured me that she could. I told her that I would trust her on this one. I was sick to my stomach, anxiety ridden and my heart rate increased. I told her that I needed a few moments to meditate and calm myself down. She brought me an ice pack to put over my port and stated that, "she'd be back in 15 minutes," then left the room and shut the door.
Becca sat in a chair in the corner, I closed my eyes. Initially I prayed, then I took my mind to the river near my cabin. I began to visualize the river, as it had been just a week before. I saw the elk, and the eagles, trees and plants and lots of different sizes and colors of rocks. I was surrounded by life. The sounds of Lake Creek was soothing and comforting. I recalled when I sat on a rock near the river, closed my eyes, and breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly several times. With each breath I took, I felt as though the river was flowing in and through me; it was cool, refreshing and full of life. As I was visualizing my beautiful place, tears flowed from my eyes. Just then the charge nurse walked in and saw that I was crying, she said we don't have to do this. I replied, that I had gone to my special place and that I was okay.
When she went to put the needle in my port, I tighted up and held my breath. She instructed me to breath in and on her que to breath out. When I exhaled, she would insert the needle. The first needle was to numb the area. Charge Nurse said she gave me some extra juice to numb the area real good. From that point on, didn't feel much other than a little pressure. Through the port, they administered pre-meds like steroid and benedryl; the benedryl made me tired, but steroid kept me awake. Following the pre-meds came the chemo agents - Cytoxan and ??? to be added later.
As the chemo agents dripped into the IV and into my port, I visualized that the chemo agents were salmon and any lingering cancer cells were bugs. The salmon would eat the bugs that circulated in my body. I studied wild salmon while in undergraduate school, so I could visualize them. So with each chemo treatment, I will keep this visualization of the salmon in my mind.
Side effects
day 1 & 2
loss of taste buds- started 1 hour following treatment; everything taste bland.
dry mouth & canker sores
fuzzy head
some fatigue
day 3
pain in muscles and joints -began to set in by mid-day. It felt like I was run over by a truck.
day 4
extreme pain in muscles and joints-brought me to tears. Not only was I run over by a truck, but it backed over me too.
pain in ovaries
neck pain
scalp hurt
day 4-6
started taking pain meds in the morning of day 4 and continued to take every 4 hours following. I don't remember much these days. I slept a lot, went to the restroom, took dogs out to go potty, and ate/drank. If anyone called me on those days, I may not remember. That actually happened, I don't recall speaking to a friend that weekend over the phone.
day 7-10
started feeling a little better, a little more energy, slowed down on pain meds, still took naps.
day 11-current
more energy (usually 3-4 hours per day), less naps, still a little fuzzy in the head, memory is not the greatest, still no taste buds.
I cut my hair last saturday (Feb 21), I woke up that morning and my hair felt so thin and lifeless, so I decided to get it cut - real short. Those that have seem me think it looks real cute. I figured the next step (shaving my head) would not seem as drastic.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Chemotherapy Begins
Good morning all,
I awoke this morning at 5:30am; today, I begin chemotherapy today at 8:30am; Becca spent the night last night and will take me. When I awoke yesterday morning, I began to cry. In just a few hours I was had my appointment for my port placement. It finally hit me that I was really scared of the poisons that they would inject into my body. I prayed, and told God that I was scared and asked Him for help. I found prayer to be comforting. It was about 6:30 in the morning and I felt like I needed to call someone and let them know that I was scared, so Mark (ex-husband) was the lucky one to get the call. Fortunately for me, he was up.
The port was placed in my chest just under the skin and it will be used to administer chemotherapy.
My plan for chemotherapy this morning is to look at it as a tool to hopefully prevent reoccurence. I will use visual techniques to see it as such. I will visualize that the chemo agents are wild salmon and the cancer cells are flies. As the chemo agents are injected, I will think of them as salmon searching to gobble up the flies. I can envision this for I studied wild salmon in graduate school - I know what they look like and I have seen them eat bugs. After visualization, I will listen to a meditation tape, sleep and bring a good book to read. Must get ready to go...wish me luck and please keep the prayers coming. I would like to request that you pray for my family too. I know this is difficult for them as well.
I awoke this morning at 5:30am; today, I begin chemotherapy today at 8:30am; Becca spent the night last night and will take me. When I awoke yesterday morning, I began to cry. In just a few hours I was had my appointment for my port placement. It finally hit me that I was really scared of the poisons that they would inject into my body. I prayed, and told God that I was scared and asked Him for help. I found prayer to be comforting. It was about 6:30 in the morning and I felt like I needed to call someone and let them know that I was scared, so Mark (ex-husband) was the lucky one to get the call. Fortunately for me, he was up.
The port was placed in my chest just under the skin and it will be used to administer chemotherapy.
My plan for chemotherapy this morning is to look at it as a tool to hopefully prevent reoccurence. I will use visual techniques to see it as such. I will visualize that the chemo agents are wild salmon and the cancer cells are flies. As the chemo agents are injected, I will think of them as salmon searching to gobble up the flies. I can envision this for I studied wild salmon in graduate school - I know what they look like and I have seen them eat bugs. After visualization, I will listen to a meditation tape, sleep and bring a good book to read. Must get ready to go...wish me luck and please keep the prayers coming. I would like to request that you pray for my family too. I know this is difficult for them as well.
Cabin Experience
Yes, I have returned from the cabin - although reluctently. My friend Janelle and I stayed 7 glorious nights. If I didn't have the cabin rented for the weekend, I might still be there. The road trip to the cabin proved to be very healing for me. With that being said, in the coming months, I will make many trips to Packwood (located at the base of Mt. Rainer).
I took a stroll to the river almost every day while I was there. The Cowlitz River is only two tenths (.2) of a mile from the front door of Wild Salmon Retreat (the name I've given my cabin), so the walk was a perfect distance for me. One morning, after I awoke, I found myself being drawn to the river, it was earlier than I would normally go, but I listened to this voice within, got dressed and walked to the river. As I approached the river bank, I saw elk scurring out of the woods and onto the river bed. They were on the opposite side of the river, but they crossed the river bed and were now on my side of the river - about 500ft away from me . There must have been 20-30 elk; the elk stopped and grazed on the fallen trees in the river. I perched myself on a rock beside Lake Creek (small tributary/creek) of the Cowlitz river) and just watched them. I took pictures too. They are beautiful creatures. I closed my eyes, took in the fresh air and the sounds of water flowing from Lake Creek. It suddenly felt as though the river was flowing through me. I envisioned that it was flowing through me and cleansing my body - the water into my mouth and out the soles of my feet. When I finally opened my eyes, somewhat suprised of this experience, I suddenly felt and saw life all around me - the trees, plants, river, rocks, eagles and other avian friends, and the elk. This sensation gave me great peace and comfort. While I may not have felt the nearness of the Great Spirit (God, or the Creator if you prefer), I certainly felt the spirit of nature. Just as chemotherapy, acupuncture, and herbs will be a part of my physical and physiological healing, nature will be equally important to my spiritual, emotional and mental healing.
Thanks to Janelle, known as woman who makes fire, we had a fire every night. It was wonderful to sit on the couch in front of the woodstove to nap, read or converse. Foxina and Guizmo loved to sleep and they did a lot of it. If I slept, they slept. It must have been the clean fresh air that made them tired.
I took a stroll to the river almost every day while I was there. The Cowlitz River is only two tenths (.2) of a mile from the front door of Wild Salmon Retreat (the name I've given my cabin), so the walk was a perfect distance for me. One morning, after I awoke, I found myself being drawn to the river, it was earlier than I would normally go, but I listened to this voice within, got dressed and walked to the river. As I approached the river bank, I saw elk scurring out of the woods and onto the river bed. They were on the opposite side of the river, but they crossed the river bed and were now on my side of the river - about 500ft away from me . There must have been 20-30 elk; the elk stopped and grazed on the fallen trees in the river. I perched myself on a rock beside Lake Creek (small tributary/creek) of the Cowlitz river) and just watched them. I took pictures too. They are beautiful creatures. I closed my eyes, took in the fresh air and the sounds of water flowing from Lake Creek. It suddenly felt as though the river was flowing through me. I envisioned that it was flowing through me and cleansing my body - the water into my mouth and out the soles of my feet. When I finally opened my eyes, somewhat suprised of this experience, I suddenly felt and saw life all around me - the trees, plants, river, rocks, eagles and other avian friends, and the elk. This sensation gave me great peace and comfort. While I may not have felt the nearness of the Great Spirit (God, or the Creator if you prefer), I certainly felt the spirit of nature. Just as chemotherapy, acupuncture, and herbs will be a part of my physical and physiological healing, nature will be equally important to my spiritual, emotional and mental healing.
Thanks to Janelle, known as woman who makes fire, we had a fire every night. It was wonderful to sit on the couch in front of the woodstove to nap, read or converse. Foxina and Guizmo loved to sleep and they did a lot of it. If I slept, they slept. It must have been the clean fresh air that made them tired.
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