Just before I started blogging, I was lounging on the couch, feeling the warmth of the fire from the wood stove and reading a good book. The dogs are sleeping on my side. The act like their sooo tired. We took a stroll to the river (Cowlitz) this afternoon and as we approached the bank a bald eagle swooped down across us. He/she was pretty big and amazingly beautiful. The river has changed its course once again since my last visit; the main channel now flows along the opposite side of the bank. There is a small tributary (Lake Creek) that dumps into the Cowlitz River; I found a comfortable looking rock, sat on it, closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of rushing water. It was incredibly peaceful. During the summer, we should have a nice little beach and swimmimg area. Beware though - the water is very chilly (glacial water).
I hope to use my time here to get reconnected with God and nature. I don't understand why God would allow this to happen. I'm certain one day I will see the necessity of it. In regards to chemotherapy, I need an attitude adjustment. Chemo is a tool to help me and the benefits outway the costs.
I will have my port put in on Feb. 10th and chemo will begin Feb. 11th. For now though, I will not think about that and just enjoy and relax.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Chemotherapy
In the last few days, I have felt good. I feel like I'm regaining my strength and energy. It's nothing like my pre-surgery energy, but it's better than it was just a week ago.
My chemotherapy is to begin in 2 weeks and I must say that I am not looking forward to it - let alone 4 months of it. I'm concerned about the damage that the chemicals will do to my healthy cells/tissues, but I really don't have a choice in the matter. Well, I do have a choice, but the alternative of doing nothing, reduces my risk of survival. Thank goodness for acupuncture which will help with the side effects of chemo. Before chemo begins, a port will be inserted in my chest - just under the skin.
I'm going to the cabin this Friday with a girlfriend. I'll probably stay for 5-6 nights. I thought it would be good to getaway. I'll use this time to begin healing. I understand that in addition to my physical healing, I need to explore the emotional and spiritual healing that underlies the surface.
My chemotherapy is to begin in 2 weeks and I must say that I am not looking forward to it - let alone 4 months of it. I'm concerned about the damage that the chemicals will do to my healthy cells/tissues, but I really don't have a choice in the matter. Well, I do have a choice, but the alternative of doing nothing, reduces my risk of survival. Thank goodness for acupuncture which will help with the side effects of chemo. Before chemo begins, a port will be inserted in my chest - just under the skin.
I'm going to the cabin this Friday with a girlfriend. I'll probably stay for 5-6 nights. I thought it would be good to getaway. I'll use this time to begin healing. I understand that in addition to my physical healing, I need to explore the emotional and spiritual healing that underlies the surface.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Headaches, Pathology report, 3 Day Breast Cancer Walk
It's been 13 days following my surgery and I'm still experiencing daily nausea and headaches (light headedness). Some days are more intense than others. I saw Dr. Dawson on Thursday, January 15th. I didn't feel especially well that day. I felt lightheaded and fatigued when I arrived at her office. The nurse took my blood pressure and it was low (70/58) for me. My blood pressure is usually 115/70. I began to have a hotflash and was very willing to put on the blue robe that they provided.
Dr. Dawson removed my drains and suggested that I try to increase my intake of fluid and foods. This, she thought could be the reason for my low blood pressure. She told me that the surgery went well and that my stitches looked good. I knew she'd say that! Several days before my visit to Dr. Dawson, my sister removed the tape and bandage from my chest; I was hesitant to remove the tape because I didn't want to see it. Well, my curiousity got the best of me, I looked at myself in the mirror and I couldn't believe what I saw; it was hideous and I cried. She took the whole thing!
I asked Dr. Dawson why she thought my masectomy looked good because I didn't see what she saw. She said, "the color of your skin looks good, there is no sign of infection and the stitching is smooth. And she reminded me that I'm going to have reconstruction.
She discussed the pathology report of my tissue taken at the time of the surgery. My breast cancer was confirmed at Stage III. I had two tumors in my breast. The larger one which we already knew about 4.3cm and a second one that had not been identified measuring 1cm. A total of 29 lymph nodes were removed and of the 29, 5 were positive for metastasis (malignant).
I have an office visit with my oncologist, Dr. Fer, tomorrow and he should provide me with information on when he'll begin my chemotherapy. I predict he will begin in 2 weeks. Chemotherapy will last for 4 months which will be followed by 6 weeks (5 days/week) of radiation. In addition to this, I will use Naturopathic Medicine modalities to help with the side effects of chemo and radiation. Acupuncture will help with nausea, fatigue, chemo brain, and skin redness/burn from radiation.
As I mentioned in my first posting, this is were the work will begin for me. I need to put my hiking boots on and get ready for the climb of my life. My friends will not allow me to drift into self-pity. Thanks to Linda Alva, Becca, and Joy for supporting me in my many Dr. visits. Linda and I would eat in Seattle after every Dr. visit and that was a blast. I want to give thanks to all my friends for the cards, telephone calls/messages, blog comments and e-mails. And a big thank you to my friends that have prepared meals for me in these last few weeks. Your kindness, love and support inspires me. My dad and Tina are die hards, they call me everyday to check-in with me.
Two of my friends, Theresa and Jean are training and fundraising for the Seattle Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk benefitting Susan G. Komen for the Cure. They are walking on my behalf. I don't think I can walk it this year, but I will be at the finish line for them. If you'd like to make a donation, (they have to each raise $2500), post your interest on this blog and one of them will contact you.
Dr. Dawson removed my drains and suggested that I try to increase my intake of fluid and foods. This, she thought could be the reason for my low blood pressure. She told me that the surgery went well and that my stitches looked good. I knew she'd say that! Several days before my visit to Dr. Dawson, my sister removed the tape and bandage from my chest; I was hesitant to remove the tape because I didn't want to see it. Well, my curiousity got the best of me, I looked at myself in the mirror and I couldn't believe what I saw; it was hideous and I cried. She took the whole thing!
I asked Dr. Dawson why she thought my masectomy looked good because I didn't see what she saw. She said, "the color of your skin looks good, there is no sign of infection and the stitching is smooth. And she reminded me that I'm going to have reconstruction.
She discussed the pathology report of my tissue taken at the time of the surgery. My breast cancer was confirmed at Stage III. I had two tumors in my breast. The larger one which we already knew about 4.3cm and a second one that had not been identified measuring 1cm. A total of 29 lymph nodes were removed and of the 29, 5 were positive for metastasis (malignant).
I have an office visit with my oncologist, Dr. Fer, tomorrow and he should provide me with information on when he'll begin my chemotherapy. I predict he will begin in 2 weeks. Chemotherapy will last for 4 months which will be followed by 6 weeks (5 days/week) of radiation. In addition to this, I will use Naturopathic Medicine modalities to help with the side effects of chemo and radiation. Acupuncture will help with nausea, fatigue, chemo brain, and skin redness/burn from radiation.
As I mentioned in my first posting, this is were the work will begin for me. I need to put my hiking boots on and get ready for the climb of my life. My friends will not allow me to drift into self-pity. Thanks to Linda Alva, Becca, and Joy for supporting me in my many Dr. visits. Linda and I would eat in Seattle after every Dr. visit and that was a blast. I want to give thanks to all my friends for the cards, telephone calls/messages, blog comments and e-mails. And a big thank you to my friends that have prepared meals for me in these last few weeks. Your kindness, love and support inspires me. My dad and Tina are die hards, they call me everyday to check-in with me.
Two of my friends, Theresa and Jean are training and fundraising for the Seattle Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk benefitting Susan G. Komen for the Cure. They are walking on my behalf. I don't think I can walk it this year, but I will be at the finish line for them. If you'd like to make a donation, (they have to each raise $2500), post your interest on this blog and one of them will contact you.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Day of Surgery and the Days that Preceeded
I know it's been awhile since I last wrote; actually, my last posting (post surgery update) was transcribed by my friend Jean (thanks Jeano). I didn't have the energy or cognitive ability to put words together to make a sentence. And, I don't know that I'll do much better now, but I'll give it a shot.
My dad, sister (Toni), daughter (Meoka), and Mark (ex-husband), joined me to the hospital. The night before, my friends, Tina, Linda and Donna came over and brought some yummy foods that my family could enjoy while they here. My fabulous roommate, Krisitin, made some scrumptious BBQ pork and cole slaw. Overall, I was pretty relaxed on Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. I felt the love of my family, friends, and comments written on the blog; my heart was full.
This was sure a far cry from my overwhelming fear that I experienced on Sunday evening. If there is such things as demons, I felt them that night. I wasn't afraid of dying, I wanted too. I knew that I could not go into surgery with this type of mentality, yet I was unable to shake it off. I believe that it was all the prayers that friends have said for me and their faith that carried me through. I don't know what happened to my faith or connection to God - it was temporaily gone. The morning of my surgery, I spoke with Debbie, who I liken as my spiritual mentor, and she said a prayer with me. I repeated that prayer many times that morning which brought me comfort before surgery.
My dear friends, Vicki, Theresa, and Riece were there and gave me hugs before I went into surgery. We cried and laughed together. These friends and my dear friends, Becca, Debbie Sharp, and Linda Alva came I believe while I was in surgery. When I was taken to my room following recovery (about 2.5 hours later) I remember my sister coming into my room saying, "your 6 sisters are here." How did that happen? I had one sister going into surgery and 6 coming out. I thought it was great. She wanted to make sure that everyone got to see me. I had a deluxe private room. Wow! I don't remember much else of that visit - other than I got lots of kisses and held hands with those that love me.
My dad, sister (Toni), daughter (Meoka), and Mark (ex-husband), joined me to the hospital. The night before, my friends, Tina, Linda and Donna came over and brought some yummy foods that my family could enjoy while they here. My fabulous roommate, Krisitin, made some scrumptious BBQ pork and cole slaw. Overall, I was pretty relaxed on Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. I felt the love of my family, friends, and comments written on the blog; my heart was full.
This was sure a far cry from my overwhelming fear that I experienced on Sunday evening. If there is such things as demons, I felt them that night. I wasn't afraid of dying, I wanted too. I knew that I could not go into surgery with this type of mentality, yet I was unable to shake it off. I believe that it was all the prayers that friends have said for me and their faith that carried me through. I don't know what happened to my faith or connection to God - it was temporaily gone. The morning of my surgery, I spoke with Debbie, who I liken as my spiritual mentor, and she said a prayer with me. I repeated that prayer many times that morning which brought me comfort before surgery.
My dear friends, Vicki, Theresa, and Riece were there and gave me hugs before I went into surgery. We cried and laughed together. These friends and my dear friends, Becca, Debbie Sharp, and Linda Alva came I believe while I was in surgery. When I was taken to my room following recovery (about 2.5 hours later) I remember my sister coming into my room saying, "your 6 sisters are here." How did that happen? I had one sister going into surgery and 6 coming out. I thought it was great. She wanted to make sure that everyone got to see me. I had a deluxe private room. Wow! I don't remember much else of that visit - other than I got lots of kisses and held hands with those that love me.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Post Surgery Update
Thank you for your prayers and your encouraging words. I did leave the hospital on Thursday. Haven't slept too much or gotten much rest, as it turns out I am allergic to vicadin. I stopped taking the vicadin and am working with an accupuncturist for pain management. They will be making a house call today. Symptons I was experiencing with the vicadin were itchiness, red rash, nauseau, treachea constriction, and headache. after my initial accu treatment my headache subsided, nauseau was gone, appetite came back and I began to sleep well. Hoping to begin my healing process now and that my energy level will return.
Love,
Debbie
Love,
Debbie
Monday, January 5, 2009
Let it Snow! (Surgery time moved up)
As of today, my surgery has been changed to 11am (previously was 1:30pm) on Wed. I shall now arrive at the hospital at 9am. The nurse left a message on my voicemail. How does she know that I didn't have plans? I could have had plans. NOT. I"ll tell you though as hard as it was to schedule a surgery date with Dr. Pam Dawson (surgeon), I'll be there when they tell me to.
We had 12 inches of snow last night in Packwood! To date, we have a total snowfall of about 4ft -5ft. My local friends in Packwood say that they have never seen this much snow in our little town. Now, for my sister in Anchorage Alaska, that would be nothing, but if you were to ask my brother, Bill or Jr in sunny southern CA., it would be ALOT! It's all relative, right?
In regards to my emotional state, for the moment I am blind. I can't see how God will use this situation to His ultimate good. Nor do I see Him healing me. Last night on my drive to Packwood, this pain took my mind to some dark places. I have chosen to speak with only a few about this information and I prefer not to discuss it with all. You may ask, "then why did you mention it." My reply is simple; one day there may be another woman that is diagnosed with breast cancer and she may feel she is at the same jumping off place that I am. And, I want her to know that she is not the only one that has ever had those thoughts. Another reason, my collegues are the future leaders in Naturopathic Medicine and if this gives them a little more insight and understanding about their patient, then it's worth it.
On part of my drive, I felt smothered with hoplessness and despair, tears were streaming down my face, and I cried out to God to help me. I couldn't calm myself. I thought if I keep this up I'm going to accidently drive myself off the road. The visibilty of the road was compromised because it was snowing hard, the wind was blowing and the roads were slushy and icy. In my desperation, I made a call. I called my friend Kristin in Packwood. I was about 1 hour from Packwood and I asked if she would come over to the cabin and pray with me. Once I hung up with her, and she said she'd come over, I felt some relief. I thought once I get myself to the cabin then I'd be okay. And, I was. I am blessed to have people that love, support and encourage me that are near and a far. The prayer of my friends/family have carried me and allowed me to take another step.
I woke up this morning with puffy eyes. I told myself that I am done crying; I'm tired of crying. But as I sit and recall last nights story, I weep. I better stay well hydrated.
We had 12 inches of snow last night in Packwood! To date, we have a total snowfall of about 4ft -5ft. My local friends in Packwood say that they have never seen this much snow in our little town. Now, for my sister in Anchorage Alaska, that would be nothing, but if you were to ask my brother, Bill or Jr in sunny southern CA., it would be ALOT! It's all relative, right?
In regards to my emotional state, for the moment I am blind. I can't see how God will use this situation to His ultimate good. Nor do I see Him healing me. Last night on my drive to Packwood, this pain took my mind to some dark places. I have chosen to speak with only a few about this information and I prefer not to discuss it with all. You may ask, "then why did you mention it." My reply is simple; one day there may be another woman that is diagnosed with breast cancer and she may feel she is at the same jumping off place that I am. And, I want her to know that she is not the only one that has ever had those thoughts. Another reason, my collegues are the future leaders in Naturopathic Medicine and if this gives them a little more insight and understanding about their patient, then it's worth it.
On part of my drive, I felt smothered with hoplessness and despair, tears were streaming down my face, and I cried out to God to help me. I couldn't calm myself. I thought if I keep this up I'm going to accidently drive myself off the road. The visibilty of the road was compromised because it was snowing hard, the wind was blowing and the roads were slushy and icy. In my desperation, I made a call. I called my friend Kristin in Packwood. I was about 1 hour from Packwood and I asked if she would come over to the cabin and pray with me. Once I hung up with her, and she said she'd come over, I felt some relief. I thought once I get myself to the cabin then I'd be okay. And, I was. I am blessed to have people that love, support and encourage me that are near and a far. The prayer of my friends/family have carried me and allowed me to take another step.
I woke up this morning with puffy eyes. I told myself that I am done crying; I'm tired of crying. But as I sit and recall last nights story, I weep. I better stay well hydrated.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Off to the Cabin
The dogs and I are going to the cabin for the night. I hope to get grounded and reconnect with nature. I do love going to the cabin-it is a place where my spirit is rejuvenated. I will take down the Christmas decorations, maybe snowshoe and just make sure the septic is functioning properly. I also need to use this time to write my living will and trust. Not an easy matter to address, but I must do it. I'm down to crunch time.
Still cring on and off and experiencing some anxiety attacks; I imagine this is pretty normal considering the situation. I'm not one who openly acknowlegdes my emotions or feelings, but it has become necessary if I hope to get well.
Thank you for your love, prayers and surrounding me with white light.
Still cring on and off and experiencing some anxiety attacks; I imagine this is pretty normal considering the situation. I'm not one who openly acknowlegdes my emotions or feelings, but it has become necessary if I hope to get well.
Thank you for your love, prayers and surrounding me with white light.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
What to do and Where to go?
Yesterday morning I had a little bounce in my step. It was a productive morning. I took Foxina to get her nails clipped, took my subaru to the dealership to get the inside passenger door handle fixed, cleaned kitchen (it's small), and dropped some things off at the Goodwill. Just as I was beginning to sit back on the couch to relax, I received a call from Tiffany (cleaning lady and friend) in Packwood on New Years Day notifying me that my septic tank at the cabin was backing up into the shower. Not good, especially since I had guest arriving that day in just a few hours. Apparently, the septic needed to be emptied, but the septic company couldn't come until the next day (Jan 2). Fortunetly for all it worked out. The guests actually preferred to arrive on Friday. The overflowing of the septic tank may have been due to the ground being to saturated. We have about 4ft of snow in Packwood. This is alot considering we don't have that kind of snowfall there. After all that excitement and about 20 phone calls later, I was ready for a nap. Needless to say, for the rest of the evening I was unproductive.
Today, no bounce in my step. Very unproductive. I packed up the car and loaded the dogs in the car and drove south to Puyallup. I hung out at the Puyallup home for a few hours and visited with Meoka and Scott then I met Theresa ( a very good friend that manages my business) for dinner. Following dinner, I went to JoAnn's Fabrics to find something to do with my hands. I bought some yarn and a loom. My plan is to make a scarf(s).
Today, no bounce in my step. Very unproductive. I packed up the car and loaded the dogs in the car and drove south to Puyallup. I hung out at the Puyallup home for a few hours and visited with Meoka and Scott then I met Theresa ( a very good friend that manages my business) for dinner. Following dinner, I went to JoAnn's Fabrics to find something to do with my hands. I bought some yarn and a loom. My plan is to make a scarf(s).
I don't know what my plans are for school yet. I should decide soon because classes begin tomorrow. I won't be attending classes for the first 2-3 weeks. I am uncertain about school becasue I don't have the energy, mental cognitive capabilities, or emotional rigor to move forth. Maybe Ill take a fun class like my onocologist suggested. Usually I don't flip flop with decisions, but that's the way it has been lately. My memory is not serving me very well either. I tend to forget important and unimportant matters. This would not serve me will if I took Anatomy II. Time will tell. Meanwhile, I pray, try to stay in today and do what's in front of me to do.
Friday, January 2, 2009
SURGERY DETAILS
Surgery Scheduled Wednesday, January 7, 2009 @ 1:30pm
Location: Swedish Medical Center (First Hill Campus) 206-386-2997
747 Broadway
Seattle, WA 98122
Directions:
From the South: Take I-5 northbound to the James St. Exit (No.164A). Turn R
(east) onto James.
From the North: Take I-5 southbound to the James St. Exit (No. 165A) Turn L
(east) onto James.
Travel 6-7 blocks to the intersection of James and Broadway. Turn L (north) onto
Broadway. Cross over Cherry St. and turn L at the next light. This runs you in front of the main entrance of the hospital is on Broadway. There is underground parking or street parking. This is Seattle so parking is never for free.
Time:
check-in 11:30;
check-out - Thursday, January 8, 2009
Length of surgery: approx 3 hours; I'll spend 1 hour in recovery and then family/extended family will be brought in to visit. Just a few at a time, please. :)
Post Operative Appts.
1/9/08 Dr. Standish (ND) @ 2pm
1/15/08 Dr. Dawson (Surgeon) @ 10:45am
1/21/08 Dr. Fer (Oncologist) @ 1pm
Location: Swedish Medical Center (First Hill Campus) 206-386-2997
747 Broadway
Seattle, WA 98122
Directions:
From the South: Take I-5 northbound to the James St. Exit (No.164A). Turn R
(east) onto James.
From the North: Take I-5 southbound to the James St. Exit (No. 165A) Turn L
(east) onto James.
Travel 6-7 blocks to the intersection of James and Broadway. Turn L (north) onto
Broadway. Cross over Cherry St. and turn L at the next light. This runs you in front of the main entrance of the hospital is on Broadway. There is underground parking or street parking. This is Seattle so parking is never for free.
Time:
check-in 11:30;
check-out - Thursday, January 8, 2009
Length of surgery: approx 3 hours; I'll spend 1 hour in recovery and then family/extended family will be brought in to visit. Just a few at a time, please. :)
Post Operative Appts.
1/9/08 Dr. Standish (ND) @ 2pm
1/15/08 Dr. Dawson (Surgeon) @ 10:45am
1/21/08 Dr. Fer (Oncologist) @ 1pm
Thursday, January 1, 2009
2009 - HAPPY NEW YEAR!
To my family and extended family,
I wish each of you a year filled with health, love and success. And, success can be whatever we define it as.
As I reflect back on 2008, it was certainly filled with love and success (I passed all my finals!) and for the most part I enjoyed relatively good health. I struggled with lower back problems for several months in the latter part of 2007 and into the first 4 months of 2008. The back problems stemmed from past mva's (motor vehicle accidents), and a reoccurence of these injuries surfaced as a result of excessive sitting (in the classroom & studying) and lack of exercise. My acupuncturist, Naturopathic Doctor (ND) and Chiropractor, Dr. Masa, believes that when dealing with lower back (specifically sacral iliac joint) problems suggests that a person may not feel supported. Well, there certainly is some truth to that.
I uprooted to the Seatlle area to attend medical school (Bastyr University), new environment, new people, and the curriculum was daunting. Seldom did I have contact with old friends as there was simply no time. After 3 months of acupuncture, the pain level in my sacrum area began to subside.
With one treatment, a needle was placed into and over my sternum (manubrium), shortly thereafter, a tear or two began to stream down from my face. I tried to hide it by contorting my face then I heard Dr. Masa ask, "what are you feeling?" He wanted me to listen to what my body was telling me - now this may sound easy, but it wasn't. Most of my time is spent in my head - studying, studying and more studying. My classmates that read this will understand. As I tried to listen, the only thing that I felt/heard was that my heart hurt and I preceded to cry some more. I didn't know why my heart hurt.....but it did. There could be numerous reasons, it could be my mom's death in Aug. 2006, lack of contact with my daughter for several months, or perhaps my divorce from a man that I deeply loved. There was also the ground maintenance employee that grabbed my arm in Spring which caused me great mental anguish. Hard to know. Prior to this, I was not aware of this hurt and I wouldn't have known that it existed hadn't it been for a talented ND that guided me. That is one of the best features that I love about Naturopathic Medicine... we look at the whole system. Our scope of medicine looks not only at the physical symptoms, but the emotional and spiritual as well.
It was the later part of 2008 though that rocked my world. On November 24, 2008 the pathology report came back confirming that I had invasive ductoral carnioma, Stage III. Carcinoma is latin for cancer, ductoral means that it was in the lactiforus ducts, and invasive means that it spread from the ducts to surrounding tissue (lymph nodes). The mass measures 4.3 cm (shy under 2 inches) and two lymph nodes revealed malignant. The radiologist suggested that there could possibly be two more lymph nodes that are cancerous. My surgery is scheduled in 6 days, January 7, 2009. I have chosen to have a masectomy and forego pre-chemothearapy (which was for 4 months). In 6 months, I can decide whether I want to have the other breast removed and undergo reconstruction for both.
I was determined to finish the last few weeks of the quarter and take my final exams of which I did. Had it not been for the tutoring, support and encouragement of my classmates, and the understanding of my professors, and my dear friend and spiritual mentor in Concord, CA, I would have fallen short and exited stage left. Now that I don't have my studies to occupy my time and mind, my emotions have risen to the surface. They feel like a tide of emotions which ebb and flo. By nature as most of you know, I am an optimistic person, nor am I a quitter, yet in the past few weeks I have been sad, perhaps even depressed. I cry at least once maybe twice a day. I'm sluggish in the morning and don't want to get out of bed, but I must because Foxina and Guizmo (my furry friends) need to go potty in the morning. I seem to have lost (hopefully only temporarily) my drive, determination, enthusiasm, and perseverence. I have also lost sight of my goal of becoming a Doctor of Naturopathic Medicine. I am not excited about anything. I would like to turn around, walk away and say I'm done. I'm tired. I have been moving and going strong since 01' when I opened up my first business, followed by opening up the second business in 02. And now, 18 months of medical school. Blah.Blah.
I recall in summer of 05' when I had a similar feeling of giving up. It was about 1am in the morning, and my climbing buddies and I geared up for our summit to Mt. Adams. I had trained hard and long (4-5 months) for this climb. The day before we hiked for 7 hours; I had 50lbs in my pack and I felt like a mule. We pitched our tents at a location on the mountain known as the lunch counter (I don't know why they call it the lunch counter, there was no food or a counter.) We arose at 1am and began to summit. I didn't get to far when my legs muscles (gastronmeus, soleus, tibialis anterior ) and ankles began to hurt - they were screaming and tightening up. During my training, I hadn't prepared to use cramp ons, so my ankles were constantly in dorsal flexion (ankles pulled up towards shin) and my breathing was difficult due to the higher elevation. At one point, I stopped, looked up and saw that all of my teammates were ahead in the distance; I looked behind me and was discouraged by the short distance I had traveled. A thought crossed my mind... I could go always go back to Curves (fitness and wt. loss center) and tell my members that you do the best you can and if it's to hard then you just give up. I couldn't convince myself of that argument, so I pressed on. As it turns out, it was my ego that wouldn't let me quit and I had a team member that stayed with me and cheered me on the entire way until we reached the summit. With lots of prayer on that mountain side, I managed to summit Mt. Adams all 12, 286 ft of it. Amazing!
Well, I have another mountain to climb and this is the climb of my life. I'm only at the base of Breast Cancer Mountain, it is overwhelming, HUGE, frightening and with unfamiliar terrain. I believe my ascent up this mountain will begin following surgery. I'm not prepared - I don't have the equipment, training or let alone the desire to climb. For now, I shall rest, take it one step at a time and with God's help everything is possible.
Thank you for your continuous prayers.
Love Debbie
P.S. special thanks to Margie and Nancy for telling me about blogging.
I wish each of you a year filled with health, love and success. And, success can be whatever we define it as.
As I reflect back on 2008, it was certainly filled with love and success (I passed all my finals!) and for the most part I enjoyed relatively good health. I struggled with lower back problems for several months in the latter part of 2007 and into the first 4 months of 2008. The back problems stemmed from past mva's (motor vehicle accidents), and a reoccurence of these injuries surfaced as a result of excessive sitting (in the classroom & studying) and lack of exercise. My acupuncturist, Naturopathic Doctor (ND) and Chiropractor, Dr. Masa, believes that when dealing with lower back (specifically sacral iliac joint) problems suggests that a person may not feel supported. Well, there certainly is some truth to that.
I uprooted to the Seatlle area to attend medical school (Bastyr University), new environment, new people, and the curriculum was daunting. Seldom did I have contact with old friends as there was simply no time. After 3 months of acupuncture, the pain level in my sacrum area began to subside.
With one treatment, a needle was placed into and over my sternum (manubrium), shortly thereafter, a tear or two began to stream down from my face. I tried to hide it by contorting my face then I heard Dr. Masa ask, "what are you feeling?" He wanted me to listen to what my body was telling me - now this may sound easy, but it wasn't. Most of my time is spent in my head - studying, studying and more studying. My classmates that read this will understand. As I tried to listen, the only thing that I felt/heard was that my heart hurt and I preceded to cry some more. I didn't know why my heart hurt.....but it did. There could be numerous reasons, it could be my mom's death in Aug. 2006, lack of contact with my daughter for several months, or perhaps my divorce from a man that I deeply loved. There was also the ground maintenance employee that grabbed my arm in Spring which caused me great mental anguish. Hard to know. Prior to this, I was not aware of this hurt and I wouldn't have known that it existed hadn't it been for a talented ND that guided me. That is one of the best features that I love about Naturopathic Medicine... we look at the whole system. Our scope of medicine looks not only at the physical symptoms, but the emotional and spiritual as well.
It was the later part of 2008 though that rocked my world. On November 24, 2008 the pathology report came back confirming that I had invasive ductoral carnioma, Stage III. Carcinoma is latin for cancer, ductoral means that it was in the lactiforus ducts, and invasive means that it spread from the ducts to surrounding tissue (lymph nodes). The mass measures 4.3 cm (shy under 2 inches) and two lymph nodes revealed malignant. The radiologist suggested that there could possibly be two more lymph nodes that are cancerous. My surgery is scheduled in 6 days, January 7, 2009. I have chosen to have a masectomy and forego pre-chemothearapy (which was for 4 months). In 6 months, I can decide whether I want to have the other breast removed and undergo reconstruction for both.
I was determined to finish the last few weeks of the quarter and take my final exams of which I did. Had it not been for the tutoring, support and encouragement of my classmates, and the understanding of my professors, and my dear friend and spiritual mentor in Concord, CA, I would have fallen short and exited stage left. Now that I don't have my studies to occupy my time and mind, my emotions have risen to the surface. They feel like a tide of emotions which ebb and flo. By nature as most of you know, I am an optimistic person, nor am I a quitter, yet in the past few weeks I have been sad, perhaps even depressed. I cry at least once maybe twice a day. I'm sluggish in the morning and don't want to get out of bed, but I must because Foxina and Guizmo (my furry friends) need to go potty in the morning. I seem to have lost (hopefully only temporarily) my drive, determination, enthusiasm, and perseverence. I have also lost sight of my goal of becoming a Doctor of Naturopathic Medicine. I am not excited about anything. I would like to turn around, walk away and say I'm done. I'm tired. I have been moving and going strong since 01' when I opened up my first business, followed by opening up the second business in 02. And now, 18 months of medical school. Blah.Blah.
I recall in summer of 05' when I had a similar feeling of giving up. It was about 1am in the morning, and my climbing buddies and I geared up for our summit to Mt. Adams. I had trained hard and long (4-5 months) for this climb. The day before we hiked for 7 hours; I had 50lbs in my pack and I felt like a mule. We pitched our tents at a location on the mountain known as the lunch counter (I don't know why they call it the lunch counter, there was no food or a counter.) We arose at 1am and began to summit. I didn't get to far when my legs muscles (gastronmeus, soleus, tibialis anterior ) and ankles began to hurt - they were screaming and tightening up. During my training, I hadn't prepared to use cramp ons, so my ankles were constantly in dorsal flexion (ankles pulled up towards shin) and my breathing was difficult due to the higher elevation. At one point, I stopped, looked up and saw that all of my teammates were ahead in the distance; I looked behind me and was discouraged by the short distance I had traveled. A thought crossed my mind... I could go always go back to Curves (fitness and wt. loss center) and tell my members that you do the best you can and if it's to hard then you just give up. I couldn't convince myself of that argument, so I pressed on. As it turns out, it was my ego that wouldn't let me quit and I had a team member that stayed with me and cheered me on the entire way until we reached the summit. With lots of prayer on that mountain side, I managed to summit Mt. Adams all 12, 286 ft of it. Amazing!
Well, I have another mountain to climb and this is the climb of my life. I'm only at the base of Breast Cancer Mountain, it is overwhelming, HUGE, frightening and with unfamiliar terrain. I believe my ascent up this mountain will begin following surgery. I'm not prepared - I don't have the equipment, training or let alone the desire to climb. For now, I shall rest, take it one step at a time and with God's help everything is possible.
Thank you for your continuous prayers.
Love Debbie
P.S. special thanks to Margie and Nancy for telling me about blogging.
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