Today - Chemo treatment # 5

Dear family and extended family,

My good days seem to be getting shorter and my chemo crummy days seem to be lasting longer longer. OUt of a three week period of time, I have 5 feel good days and 16 not so good. I expressed my concern to my oncologist and ND and they confirmed that chemo treatment is cummulative.

Chemo crummies physically leave me short of breath - so my daily walking has been reduced greatly, decreased energy (giving me 1-3 hours/day to be somewhat productive), lack of sleep do to hot flashes, during the day I emit heat from my head and the palm of my hands, its a challenge to take the pets out to go potty, my stomach and esophogus hurt, my nail beds are turning brown, the skin around my nails are dry and peeling, and I ache all over; on a mental note, I am beginning to exhibit short term memory loss and a foggy brain. My Dr's call this chemo brain which can last 6-9 months or longer. With that being said, my cognitive skills just arn't as sharp as I'd like them to be, so my writing skills may also suffer considerably. So, I'll do my best in speaking and writing and hope that I make sense. When I talk, my sentence structure and words are scrammbled, so I repeat myself with the way it's supposed to be said. My friend Mark said, " you don't need to repeat yourself. Your not being graded." I love that. Mark was my husband for 21 years and it is very nice to have his support and friendship during this time.

In addition to chemo brain, when the steroids ware off, I experierence irriatability, extreme sensitivity to sounds (brings about anxiety especially if in a public place), and depression. Last Wed, was very difficult for. I finally hit a wall and decided that I no longer wanted to continue with chemotherapy- I really was tired of being in pain, suffering and not not feeling like me. I actually thought dying from cancer looked like a better alternative. After a good cry, and sharing my thoughts with a few friends, I began to feel emotionally a little better on Thursday. Mark was one of the persons that I spoke with on Wed. and he wanted to come visit me on Thursday. He did and that distracted me and cheered me up. My girlfriend Tina, whose aunt has just recently finished her treatment with colon cancer, told me that my thoughts were pretty normal and that was a relief to hear this.

I will show up for chemo today. My friend Janelle will be driving me. If I didn't go, I think she and a few friends would carry me to treatment - what a sight that would be (LOL). Deep down inside, I do want to live, but I don't exactly know how to live at peace with the pain. I wish I was there, but I haven't figured it out yet. I am working with Dr. Brad on the emotional, spiritual and mental component of my illness. If it wasn't for that, I believe I would be more hopeless.

On a positive note, some of my friends came over and held a second healing circle for me a couple of weeks ago. It was very calming and healing for me. I had too much heat inside (from chemo) and the touch of their hands were cool and refreshing. It was as though they removed heat. My intention this time was to have courage to proceed. I recieved a card from a friend that described beautifully what courage means to me at this moment - take in one day at a time and remember that God is in the present moment:

"Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the little voice
at the end of the day that says I"ll try
again tomorrow"
-Mary Anne Radmacher

I truly believe that God is watching out for me. He is doing that through the blessing of friends/family. Thank you for following my journey and sharing your lives with me. I never really knew until I got cancer of how truly that I am loved.

Again, wishing you health from your cells to your spirit.
Love Debbie