Greetings From Wild Salmon Retreat!

Just before I started blogging, I was lounging on the couch, feeling the warmth of the fire from the wood stove and reading a good book. The dogs are sleeping on my side. The act like their sooo tired. We took a stroll to the river (Cowlitz) this afternoon and as we approached the bank a bald eagle swooped down across us. He/she was pretty big and amazingly beautiful. The river has changed its course once again since my last visit; the main channel now flows along the opposite side of the bank. There is a small tributary (Lake Creek) that dumps into the Cowlitz River; I found a comfortable looking rock, sat on it, closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of rushing water. It was incredibly peaceful. During the summer, we should have a nice little beach and swimmimg area. Beware though - the water is very chilly (glacial water).

I hope to use my time here to get reconnected with God and nature. I don't understand why God would allow this to happen. I'm certain one day I will see the necessity of it. In regards to chemotherapy, I need an attitude adjustment. Chemo is a tool to help me and the benefits outway the costs.

I will have my port put in on Feb. 10th and chemo will begin Feb. 11th. For now though, I will not think about that and just enjoy and relax.

Chemotherapy

In the last few days, I have felt good. I feel like I'm regaining my strength and energy. It's nothing like my pre-surgery energy, but it's better than it was just a week ago.

My chemotherapy is to begin in 2 weeks and I must say that I am not looking forward to it - let alone 4 months of it. I'm concerned about the damage that the chemicals will do to my healthy cells/tissues, but I really don't have a choice in the matter. Well, I do have a choice, but the alternative of doing nothing, reduces my risk of survival. Thank goodness for acupuncture which will help with the side effects of chemo. Before chemo begins, a port will be inserted in my chest - just under the skin.

I'm going to the cabin this Friday with a girlfriend. I'll probably stay for 5-6 nights. I thought it would be good to getaway. I'll use this time to begin healing. I understand that in addition to my physical healing, I need to explore the emotional and spiritual healing that underlies the surface.

Headaches, Pathology report, 3 Day Breast Cancer Walk

It's been 13 days following my surgery and I'm still experiencing daily nausea and headaches (light headedness). Some days are more intense than others. I saw Dr. Dawson on Thursday, January 15th. I didn't feel especially well that day. I felt lightheaded and fatigued when I arrived at her office. The nurse took my blood pressure and it was low (70/58) for me. My blood pressure is usually 115/70. I began to have a hotflash and was very willing to put on the blue robe that they provided.

Dr. Dawson removed my drains and suggested that I try to increase my intake of fluid and foods. This, she thought could be the reason for my low blood pressure. She told me that the surgery went well and that my stitches looked good. I knew she'd say that! Several days before my visit to Dr. Dawson, my sister removed the tape and bandage from my chest; I was hesitant to remove the tape because I didn't want to see it. Well, my curiousity got the best of me, I looked at myself in the mirror and I couldn't believe what I saw; it was hideous and I cried. She took the whole thing!

I asked Dr. Dawson why she thought my masectomy looked good because I didn't see what she saw. She said, "the color of your skin looks good, there is no sign of infection and the stitching is smooth. And she reminded me that I'm going to have reconstruction.

She discussed the pathology report of my tissue taken at the time of the surgery. My breast cancer was confirmed at Stage III. I had two tumors in my breast. The larger one which we already knew about 4.3cm and a second one that had not been identified measuring 1cm. A total of 29 lymph nodes were removed and of the 29, 5 were positive for metastasis (malignant).

I have an office visit with my oncologist, Dr. Fer, tomorrow and he should provide me with information on when he'll begin my chemotherapy. I predict he will begin in 2 weeks. Chemotherapy will last for 4 months which will be followed by 6 weeks (5 days/week) of radiation. In addition to this, I will use Naturopathic Medicine modalities to help with the side effects of chemo and radiation. Acupuncture will help with nausea, fatigue, chemo brain, and skin redness/burn from radiation.

As I mentioned in my first posting, this is were the work will begin for me. I need to put my hiking boots on and get ready for the climb of my life. My friends will not allow me to drift into self-pity. Thanks to Linda Alva, Becca, and Joy for supporting me in my many Dr. visits. Linda and I would eat in Seattle after every Dr. visit and that was a blast. I want to give thanks to all my friends for the cards, telephone calls/messages, blog comments and e-mails. And a big thank you to my friends that have prepared meals for me in these last few weeks. Your kindness, love and support inspires me. My dad and Tina are die hards, they call me everyday to check-in with me.

Two of my friends, Theresa and Jean are training and fundraising for the Seattle Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk benefitting Susan G. Komen for the Cure. They are walking on my behalf. I don't think I can walk it this year, but I will be at the finish line for them. If you'd like to make a donation, (they have to each raise $2500), post your interest on this blog and one of them will contact you.

Day of Surgery and the Days that Preceeded

I know it's been awhile since I last wrote; actually, my last posting (post surgery update) was transcribed by my friend Jean (thanks Jeano). I didn't have the energy or cognitive ability to put words together to make a sentence. And, I don't know that I'll do much better now, but I'll give it a shot.

My dad, sister (Toni), daughter (Meoka), and Mark (ex-husband), joined me to the hospital. The night before, my friends, Tina, Linda and Donna came over and brought some yummy foods that my family could enjoy while they here. My fabulous roommate, Krisitin, made some scrumptious BBQ pork and cole slaw. Overall, I was pretty relaxed on Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. I felt the love of my family, friends, and comments written on the blog; my heart was full.
This was sure a far cry from my overwhelming fear that I experienced on Sunday evening. If there is such things as demons, I felt them that night. I wasn't afraid of dying, I wanted too. I knew that I could not go into surgery with this type of mentality, yet I was unable to shake it off. I believe that it was all the prayers that friends have said for me and their faith that carried me through. I don't know what happened to my faith or connection to God - it was temporaily gone. The morning of my surgery, I spoke with Debbie, who I liken as my spiritual mentor, and she said a prayer with me. I repeated that prayer many times that morning which brought me comfort before surgery.

My dear friends, Vicki, Theresa, and Riece were there and gave me hugs before I went into surgery. We cried and laughed together. These friends and my dear friends, Becca, Debbie Sharp, and Linda Alva came I believe while I was in surgery. When I was taken to my room following recovery (about 2.5 hours later) I remember my sister coming into my room saying, "your 6 sisters are here." How did that happen? I had one sister going into surgery and 6 coming out. I thought it was great. She wanted to make sure that everyone got to see me. I had a deluxe private room. Wow! I don't remember much else of that visit - other than I got lots of kisses and held hands with those that love me.

Post Surgery Update

Thank you for your prayers and your encouraging words. I did leave the hospital on Thursday. Haven't slept too much or gotten much rest, as it turns out I am allergic to vicadin. I stopped taking the vicadin and am working with an accupuncturist for pain management. They will be making a house call today. Symptons I was experiencing with the vicadin were itchiness, red rash, nauseau, treachea constriction, and headache. after my initial accu treatment my headache subsided, nauseau was gone, appetite came back and I began to sleep well. Hoping to begin my healing process now and that my energy level will return.

Love,
Debbie

Let it Snow! (Surgery time moved up)

As of today, my surgery has been changed to 11am (previously was 1:30pm) on Wed. I shall now arrive at the hospital at 9am. The nurse left a message on my voicemail. How does she know that I didn't have plans? I could have had plans. NOT. I"ll tell you though as hard as it was to schedule a surgery date with Dr. Pam Dawson (surgeon), I'll be there when they tell me to.

We had 12 inches of snow last night in Packwood! To date, we have a total snowfall of about 4ft -5ft. My local friends in Packwood say that they have never seen this much snow in our little town. Now, for my sister in Anchorage Alaska, that would be nothing, but if you were to ask my brother, Bill or Jr in sunny southern CA., it would be ALOT! It's all relative, right?

In regards to my emotional state, for the moment I am blind. I can't see how God will use this situation to His ultimate good. Nor do I see Him healing me. Last night on my drive to Packwood, this pain took my mind to some dark places. I have chosen to speak with only a few about this information and I prefer not to discuss it with all. You may ask, "then why did you mention it." My reply is simple; one day there may be another woman that is diagnosed with breast cancer and she may feel she is at the same jumping off place that I am. And, I want her to know that she is not the only one that has ever had those thoughts. Another reason, my collegues are the future leaders in Naturopathic Medicine and if this gives them a little more insight and understanding about their patient, then it's worth it.

On part of my drive, I felt smothered with hoplessness and despair, tears were streaming down my face, and I cried out to God to help me. I couldn't calm myself. I thought if I keep this up I'm going to accidently drive myself off the road. The visibilty of the road was compromised because it was snowing hard, the wind was blowing and the roads were slushy and icy. In my desperation, I made a call. I called my friend Kristin in Packwood. I was about 1 hour from Packwood and I asked if she would come over to the cabin and pray with me. Once I hung up with her, and she said she'd come over, I felt some relief. I thought once I get myself to the cabin then I'd be okay. And, I was. I am blessed to have people that love, support and encourage me that are near and a far. The prayer of my friends/family have carried me and allowed me to take another step.

I woke up this morning with puffy eyes. I told myself that I am done crying; I'm tired of crying. But as I sit and recall last nights story, I weep. I better stay well hydrated.

Off to the Cabin

The dogs and I are going to the cabin for the night. I hope to get grounded and reconnect with nature. I do love going to the cabin-it is a place where my spirit is rejuvenated. I will take down the Christmas decorations, maybe snowshoe and just make sure the septic is functioning properly. I also need to use this time to write my living will and trust. Not an easy matter to address, but I must do it. I'm down to crunch time.

Still cring on and off and experiencing some anxiety attacks; I imagine this is pretty normal considering the situation. I'm not one who openly acknowlegdes my emotions or feelings, but it has become necessary if I hope to get well.

Thank you for your love, prayers and surrounding me with white light.